"I've normalized my own brand of "No!" 

- Tai, A client

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Tai was stressing.

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She was an entrepreneur -a producer in the entertainment industry seated at the table of high-stakes negotiations on behalf of her own large scale media events company. It hadn’t always been like that.

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Working together Tai designed an exit strategy, jumping ship from a giant media organization to make a splash as a savvy entrepreneur. Her track record showed quality work, bringing things in on time and on budget, all while taking great care of her busy team. 

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Her personal narrative was another story. 

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Like so many founders, Tai had habitually overridden her own personal concerns in the adrenaline rush of building her start-up. This 24/7 task-orientation had overtaken & now defined her life as an entrepreneur. This dynamic is true of intrapreneurs within companies, makers...and, ummm, all humans. It was second nature to go through the motions of applying her diligent concentration while forgetting to check in on how she was feeling, what mattered to her personally or how present she was. Tai knew it was taking a toll, not just on herself but on her family and partner as well. 

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Distilling her awareness of this non-stop activity, Tai needed to choose where she 'spent' her attention. She longed to melt into self-abandonment in moments when she wanted to shout a respectful “No!” out loud. “No!” -to someone else’s agenda, anxiety, and influence when it wasn’t the right fit. She had her fill up to here of trying to do everything for everyone but herself.

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Could Tai move the needle on this ingrained behavior that had actually served her getting so far? 

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Seated at that high-stakes table she wanted to anchor in and project her own self-authority with true confidence. Landing her “No!" was on the menu. Tai wanted to say “Yes!" to shining her light fully and playing to her achiever spirit to make a difference in her own and other's lives. Yet at first, the right to her own attention seemed unseemly: “Who am I to…?” Good old fashioned imposter syndrome held her in check. 

What finally got Tai to activate her own brand of “No”? By testing new conversational repertoires Tai was architecting bankable confidence. She took the final leap when a client with clout asked just one-too-many times for her to jump through one-too-many hoops on another pointless task. Tai chose to simply trust her gut as a seasoned event strategist and said a respectful “No!” out loud. 

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Given the acceleration of daily life, we hardly realize the succession of “Yes’s” and “No’s” we cycle through to get where we’re going. Too often, it’s a “Yes!" to stress, overload and a deep dish of too many decisions all at once.

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Over the course of our sessions, Tai entered the arena of designing the way she wanted to think. No small order! How great did she feel? Very! Taking a moment to ground herself and then voice her desire under the pressure of another’s expectations was a breakthrough and welcomed evidence of self-trust advocating for her beliefs and values.

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Another way to say it: Modulating her use of “Yes” and “No” pleased Tai's mind.

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The body can relax when it trusts the mind; self-trust happens by taking the steps to self-organize around our priorities. Tai was okay with how normalizing her positive "No" is not a “one-and-done” practice. Now she has fun watching what each “yay!” and “nay!” opens or closes for her, in matters large and small. It is so very confidence-building she’s sticking with it!

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Walking the entrepreneur’s path myself, I know the fascinating grip of bringing a vision to life, and have an affinity and ginormous respect for those on this high-speed path. Accelerated lifestyles require periods of refuge –not just in meditation or yoga or journaling (much as we are a fan of this) but while within the maelstrom. In this sense, relaxing; the unclenching of your hands and mind has a spirit to it.

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In coaching, my jam is providing diverse achievers, who need to be outwardly focused and are under pressure, strategic ways to sync-up with their inner experience even as they accomplish stuff IRL. The aim is to create breathing room within relational dynamics and deadlines so you proceed with a sense of coherence even on the fly.

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Learning how to be generous with yourself in stewarding your attention, while immersed in the thick of it, is the ultimate self-care  supporting business and personal success. It is the stabilizing sovereignty to choose what you are shaping each normal day. 

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‍Your Own Rich Normalcy

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As a young art student I loved dreamily standing in front of and staring at the paintings of Rene Magritte and Marcel DuChamp at New York's Museum of Modern Art. So it was surprising to first see photos of these groundbreaking artists in formal pressed suits. If you didn’t know otherwise, you would think them conventional or too “normal," which can have a negative ring if you are immersed in creative, inventive, or shape-shifting endeavors. “Normal" as in ‘garden variety,’ ‘vanilla’ or ‘middle-of-the-road.’ 

Consider though, tension resolves in the direction of the greatest gravitational pull: “yes" to sleeping in, "no" to the gym. It can be bumpy to rouse from the slumber of what we have already ‘normalized’, so often through lack of attention. What we choose to normalize through everyday repetition is personal. 

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I've seen how “turning the light inward” (a Zen doctrine itself,) generates wonder as you allow this sort of illumination to turn kind-hearted with greater frequency. Here's where you truly come home to yourself: rest assured your rightful “Yes!” is tucked away in there awaiting your activation.

Yet a 24/7 racing mind easily blocks such an approach to inner experience. Once, on a hike with the artist Judy Chicago, an influential teacher of mine, we reached a narrowing of our path. She was walking in front of me when I asked a question about her strategy for achievement. Her response was quick, simple and had staying power; “I like putting one foot in front of the other.” 

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